The Real Lieutenant
by Aurora-Borealis Coyote
Summary: Riza gives the world a piece of her mind through song. Parody of "The Real Slim Shady." CRACK.


…**what is this? Don't take this seriously XD I don't know what happened…this is even more wrong than the upcoming TAOA chapter…**

**Warnings: Language, violent humor…well, it's based off "The Real Slim Shady" after all.**

May I have your attention please?  
May I have your attention please?  
Will the real Lieutenant please stand up?  
I repeat, will the real Lieutenant please stand up?  
We're gonna have a problem here…

Y'all act like you never seen a sharpshooter before

Hands up in the air like Envy, just like Mustang just came through the door

And started killin' his ass worse than before

That was the vengeance, burnin him down in the ground _(aaauughh!)_

It's the destruction of the "hey wait, you're kidding,

She didn't just say what I think she did, did she?"

And Dr. Knox said…nothing, you idiots!

Knox is a recluse, healin' Ranfan in a basement _(New arm!)_

Wrathful homunculi LOVE Lieutenant

"Lieutenant, I'm sick of her

Look at her, spying around, finding out you-know-what

Shooting you-know-who" "Yeah, but she's so boss, though!"

Yeah, I probably shook a few laws in Amestris loose

But no worse than what's not going on in Havoc's bedroom

Sometimes, I just wanna let my past loose but I can't

But it's cool for Raven to make immortal armies

"My gun is at your head; my gun is at your head"

And if I'm lucky, you won't move and I won't miss

What kind of message does Amestris deliver to little kids?

Expect them not to know what a homunculus is

Of course they're gonna live the Promised Day

By the time "Selim" hits fourth grade

They got the right to bear arms, don't they?

"Humans are below insects…" Well some of us are INSANE

Who hunt homunculi like we're home on the range

But if we can kill Ishvalans and chimeras

Then there's no reason a Hawkeye can't get a promotion

_(hey!) _But if you feel like I feel, I got the counter-attack

Winry, wave your wrench around, sing that chorus, Central-town

Cuz I'm Lieutenant, yes, I'm the real Hawkeye

All you other Lieutenants are just imitating

So won't the real Lieutenant please stand up,

Please stand up, please stand up?

Father don't gotta work overtime to make a living

Well I do, so shoot him and shoot you too!

You think I give a damn about court-marshalling?

Half of you couldn't challenge me, let alone survive me

"But Ri, what if you lead Amestris, that'd be weird"

What, so you guys could just die before I get here?

So you can sit me next to Cornello?

Shit, Crimson Lotus better switch me chairs

So I can sit next to Pride and the military's worst

And hear him argue over who he sold out to first

They're all corrupt, put me on blast to this military

"Yeah, she's cute, but I think she's married to Roy, hee-hee!"

I'll download all your plots on MP3 tracks

And tell the world how y'all give me war flashbacks

I'm sick of you fakes and criminals; all you do is annoy me

So I have been sent here to destroy you _(bang)_

And there's a million of us just like me  
Who shoot like me; who just don't give a Stone like me  
Who live like me; walk, talk and act like me

And just might be the next best thing but not quite me!

Cuz I'm Lieutenant, yes, I'm the real Hawkeye

All you other Lieutenants are just imitating

So won't the real Lieutenant please stand up,

Please stand up, please stand up?

I'm like a head-wound to listen to, cuz I'm only givin' you

Things you talk about with your crowd when no-one's around

The only difference is I got the will to say it

In front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or superfluous at all

I just get to my crowd and tell it

And whether you like to admit it _(grr) _I just tough it out

Better than ninety percent of you higher-ups can

Then you wonder how I fend off those threats like a moat

It's funny; cause at the rate I'm goin' when I'm thirty

I'll be the only person in the postapocalypse working

Slayin' homunculi zombies while I'm coolin' down in North Briggs

And I'm ice-hot but this whole military just still isn't working

And every single person is a Lieutenant lurkin

She could be working in Rush Valley, trusted with automail-back _(clang)_

Or in the Ishvalan slum, rebelling,

Thinking, "Amestris that was LUCK!"

With her plans down and rifle up

So, will the real Riza please stand up?

And put one of those medals on your front up?

And be proud to be outta this world and in full control

And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

Cuz I'm Lieutenant, yes, I'm the real Hawkeye

All you other Lieutenants are just imitating

So won't the real Lieutenant please stand up,

Please stand up, please stand up?

Haha  
Guess there's a Lieutenant in all of us  
Shoot it, let's all stand up


End file.
